I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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