The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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