here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
