"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
