What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dude i'm inner monologue high
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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