how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
