As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
