tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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