What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
