What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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