Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
