Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
