Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
