Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
