am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
