Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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