At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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