I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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