I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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