I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
