sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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