I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Who died my cat blue again?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
