Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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