Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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