I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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