So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
