WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I need to align my fucking chakras
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
