allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
