Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
