You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize