Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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