Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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