"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
