You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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