Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
