I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
