I wish I could teleport
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
operation have a gay friend backfired
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
