Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
