i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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