and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
