was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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