They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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