He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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