i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
