and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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