I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize