if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
