one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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