Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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