in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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