What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
