I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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