So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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