After last night, I could never be a politician.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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