We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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