I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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