Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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