I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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