I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
