Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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