Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
