He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
