She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
