I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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