two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just pee around me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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